Do you strive for perfection when good is actually enough?

If you do, do you know why is that? There’s no judgment in that statement; rather, curiosity about what drives you to strive for perfection when good is enough?

I have perfectionistic tendencies and I have learned through work I've done in therapy and coaching, that when I find myself over analyzing or fixating on getting something just right, those behaviors are likely being fueled by feelings and beliefs of inadequacy. That is my "stuff", which is my shorthand for the deep seated beliefs and feelings that drive behavior on an unconscious level.

In my better moments I can pause and reflect, usually by taking a walk and then journaling, which short circuits the well established stress response of "fixate and perfect" that is keeping me from moving on. In my not so good moments, I avoid those feelings by searching for something to make it just right, that will fulfil the fantasy that if I get it right I won't ever feel inadequate again.

Here is a typical pattern of what I have seen in myself and others that I work with:

1. An uncomfortable feeling, that I call a "warning light emotion", arises. Often frustration, uncertainty, anxiety, fatigue, or even guilt.
2. The person's system automatically tries to manage it through increased automatic thoughts or body responses (increased heart rate, tightening of muscles, etc.) that intensify until they are forced to stop by their own distress or the distress of others. Many people get stuck here which often perpetuates feelings of shame and more entrenched unhelpful patterns.
3. If they become aware of it, one of 2 things usually happens. In times of low stress, they embody the change they want to live into by engaging in self-care strategies (breathing, meditation, journaling, walking, etc.) to prevent intensification. In times of depletion and strain, the system responds with intensifying reactions (internal criticism and anger, lashing out externally, avoidance and numbing behaviors, crying and overwhelm to name a few) which can eventually lead to mental or physical health problems, or relationship problems.

If this pattern sounds familiar, you are not alone. I'm to the point in my career that I can pick up on these patterns in others pretty quickly, but I am still slow at times to see them in myself and often need support to do that.

Just because we know about something doesn't mean that we can, or will, actually do it.

You likely don't need more education or suggestions about what you should be doing to take care of yourself. The health industry is flooded with helpful information and studies.

What most of us actually need is support to refine our understanding and then actually embody the change.

The truth is that it is usually messy and uncomfortable to change and that causes most of us (especially perfectionists!) to feel like we're doing it wrong so we stop. Without a plan or guidance on what to do instead, those old, entrenched and often comfortable patterns reemerge and start the process all over again.

What I hope you hear in all of this is that we all have "stuff" and there is no perfect way to be. You are enough just as you are and there is also nothing wrong with wanting to change and grow. My hope is that the change and growth comes from a place of abundance rather than scarcity.

If you're not sure, join us for Leading From Abundance that is happening the five Tuesday's in September starting 9-1-26 @ 10:30 am PT/ 1:30 ET.

If you're not quite ready for that or want to start with a lower commitment option, we have 2 more Wellness Insights happening later this year:

Creating Culturally Responsive Faith Communities co-facilitated by Rev. Carolina Fuentes, LCSW on August 12 @ 9am PT and What Happens When Leaders Grieve? co-facilitated by Rev. Dr. Rae Karim on November 5th @ 1pm PT.

And if you're not sure what is the best option for you, respond to this email and we can set up a free 15-minute zoom to talk through the options.

I'll leave you with this: How would you live if you believed that you have and actually are enough?

We are here to help if you need support to answer that, or live into it.

Take Care,

Kinsie

Rev. Kinsie M. Tate, LPCC

Founder and Executive Director

Restore Clergy