I have recently been working on developing a boundaries training for the California Pacific Conference of the United Methodist Church and this is a question I've been wrestling with in that process. One of the issues we explore is the responsibility that comes with being a minister and the impact that has on boundaries. I'm sure you have been encouraged to consider that in your interactions with others, especially those in your congregation, but I wonder if you have considered how it might be weighing on you at other times.

I think about clergy scandals and how some clergy feel that there is an expectation of holiness at all times. I find many clergy feel quite a bit of pressure to be Christ like in all situations, and yes, that is what we are striving for as Christians, but we are not Jesus, even if people want us to be. The risk is that when we are not at our best, we can conflate what we want with what Christ wants as a way of justifying unhealthy, or unjust practices. We've seen this in our national leadership a lot recently.

• Overworking to manage feelings of inadequacy and imposter syndrome,
• Bullying others when we feel resistance because we are convinced our way is the right way,
• Or saying yes to something that seems sketchy because we don't want to deal with the conflict are all examples of what happens if we aren't aware of our unconscious biases and motivations.

Let me give you a personal example of this concept from my identity as a therapist:

A big thing that I think has led to exhaustion and burnout for me in the past is when I have become enmeshed with my identity of therapist, meaning I have let my identity as a therapist (unconsciously) lead in situations where that is not appropriate. To use Internal Family Systems (IFS) language, my Therapist part was leading without permission from my Self. If that doesn’t make sense to you, don’t worry about it. We talk about this in the Restoration Fellowship, but for this email, you don’t need to understand IFS.

There are times when I feel mean, or rude if I ignore or avoid someone that engages me about what is going on in their life. There are times I feel like I have a sign on my forehead that says, “tell me all your woes and I will listen”. That is a great attribute in my role as therapist because I genuinely care about my clients and the people I work with. Where it gets tricky is when I am not working and it happens unexpectedly, because listening intently, with a single focus, and holding space for pain and sorrow takes quite a bit of energy and I need time to recover.

My socialization as a woman, especially as a woman from the South where the unspoken social contract is that you will be “nice” (meaning give polite attention) to everyone, makes it difficult not to smile at and acknowledge everyone. Unfortunately, this often invites human interaction that I don’t want. It then takes energy from me that I don’t have and then I feel irritated and resentful. The really hard part of this for me, that is vulnerable to say, is my family usually gets the brunt of that irritability and resentment. I then feel shame, like I’m a bad mom or spouse, because I am acting out of my values. This is my “stuff” as I call it in my programs, that I am working on. I’ve made a lot of progress and I still have a ways to go.

I write all this here in the hopes that

1. You will consider the question I asked in the subject line of this email because it is an important step in understanding why you do the things you do. I don’t have a rubric for the "right or wrong" way to be in ministry, because I don’t believe there is a right or wrong way. There are personal preferences and varying levels of giftedness and weakness that are at play in any given situation. My hope is this email will spark curiosity about your identity as a minister and how it is impacting you in ways you have yet to consider.
2. I also hope this example helps you better understand the kind of work we do in the Restoration Fellowship.

The overarching goal of the Restoration Fellowship is to help clergy recover from or prevent burnout. The way we do that is by uncovering your “stuff” so you have more choice in any given situation and fewer instances of acting on autopilot, feeling bad about yourself, and discovering that you’re right back where you don’t want to be. That work takes time and it really helps to have a skilled guide and supportive community along the way.

There is still space in Restoration Fellowship that begins in earnest post Easter with a week long retreat in Tulsa, OK (April 13-17). We have scholarships available, so get in touch if you’d like to truly discover who God is calling you to be and how to live that out in sustainable ways.

Take care,
Rev. Kinsie Tate, LPCC
Restore Clergy